I’ll be real with you, it takes me a really long time to orgasm with a partner. If my mind is in the right place and the oral and manual stimulation is just right, it may take around 22 minutes. As a result, for a long time, I felt anxious when receiving oral sex, as I didn’t want to over-exercise my partner’s tongue if they weren’t into it. I even faked it a few times, not wanting to explain that everything was great, but they just had to keep up the exact stimulation for another 10 minutes.
The only way that I can orgasm quickly is through using my vibrator. However, it wasn’t until my partner walked in on me buzzing away that we thought about incorporating sex toys into our sessions.
Why Is There Stigma Around Sex Toys?
As an open and sex-positive person, why didn’t I make the connection to incorporate toys into partnered play? I think on some level, I was worried about offending my partner. I felt that by bringing in a type of stimulation that wasn’t his penis, finger, or tongue, he would feel like I wasn’t happy with our sex life.
There is something so ridiculous about this comparison, though. Sex toys are tools to increase pleasure, the same way that exploring new positions, power dynamics, and dirty talk are. There is no situation where I would find an amazing vibrator and tell my partner that I want to break up and will cuddle and whisper sweet nothings to my new sex toy instead.
It seems odd for folks to feel threatened by a toy. When we are hooking up with someone, we should want them to feel as much pleasure as possible. If we could use a tool to increase pleasure, wouldn’t that be a solid aim?
Furthermore, if you are using a toy with a partner, it’s not like the pleasure you feel becomes directed at the toy. You aren’t like, “Fuck Ya Hitachi! “When you are thinking back at the intense orgasm that you had with a partner, with or without the assistance of a toy, you are still thinking about the experience with your partner. However, using sex toys during partnered sex is still not normalized – so let’s explore some benefits of utilizing toys.
How Can Toys Make Sex Better?
- Do penises have six vibration settings? Are they ridged, rotating, or multi-pronged? I didn’t think so. By incorporating sex toys into sexual encounters, there are opportunities for more pleasure and unique stimulation that a human would not be able to physically produce.
- There are several erogenous zones that, when stimulated, can make sexual encounters more pleasurable, including the clitoris, the nipples, the anus, and the vagina, among other areas. But alas, if you are engaging with one partner, they only have two hands. Using sex toys is one way to increase the amount of stimulation that you can receive.
- The clitoris is the key to pleasure for many women. Research shows that less than 20% of women can orgasm without some type of clitoral stimulation. The issue is, especially when you are engaging in penetration – the clitoris isn’t always easy to access with fingers. Using a toy that stimulates the clitoris during intercourse can lead to more intense orgasms and can make it easier for more women to orgasm during penetration.
- Many women orgasm when they are masturbating but cannot reach the level of sensation necessary to cum with a partner. By introducing sex toys into partnered sex, many women will be able to feel the sensation needed to orgasm more regularly with a partner.
How Do You Introduce Sex Toys With A Partner?
Despite what we have discussed regarding how sex toys should not be nearly as threatening as Carl from the gym, for example, some men may have an initial negative gut reaction when brought up. Keep in mind we still live in a culture that has yet to normalize sex toys in partnered play, so advocating for your pleasure is radical. I am mostly speaking about heterosexual relationships because sex toy use is a lot more normalized among gay and bisexual women and gay men, with straight couples lagging behind.
When bringing up sex toys with a partner, regardless of their gender and sexual orientation, I would suggest explaining that you enjoy sex with your partner and you thought that using sex toys could be something fun and new to explore. Enter the conversation with an idea of what type of sex toy you would be interested in trying out and for what purpose.
For example, you can say that adding clitoral stimulation during intercourse could help the penetration feel even more intense for you (or whatever type of stimulation you are excited about). You can even use humor when bringing it up by explaining that there is no situation where you will leave your partner for a piece of silicon. If they seem uneasy about it, gently help them to explore why that may be.
If you are worried about how your partner will react, I would start with a cute smaller toy instead of a jumbo veiny dildo. Once the toy is purchased, perhaps begin by letting them watch you use the toy so that they can experience first-hand the pleasure-giving possibilities of toys.
How Do You Use Toys During Sex?
Sex toys can have a powerful impact on the sensations felt during penetration. I had only orgasmed a few times in my life during intercourse before I started using a clitoral vibrator during sex – now I orgasm almost every time.
During intercourse, I find a clitoral vibrator can be a great addition to doggy style, cowgirl, and almost any position that allows for it. You can get vibrators that are hands-free, or one partner can hold it in place. Similarly, you can put in a butt plug or anal beads during intercourse and pull the anal beads out during orgasm for the ultimate sensation. Additional stimulation = more intense orgasms. Who are you to question the math?
Sex toys can also be used as a tool to focus on pleasure during a sensual massage – it doesn’t always have to be about intercourse. Specifically, you can use a vibrator on her clitoris while you put a finger inside her vagina or anus. You can also put a sex toy inside her anus while you finger her vagina and lick her clitoris. Or you can put a butt plug inside his butt during a blow job. You can also put a nipple clamp on their nipples during oral.
The options are endless, but it is clear that opening the door to sex toys leads to more options for pleasurable sensations. If you explain this to a partner and they refuse – they are refusing to give you the most amount of pleasure that they can, and that isn’t right. It takes some experimentation to find the best ways to incorporate sex toys into erotic encounters – but it is very much worth it!